1 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,075 What does it mean to be married? 2 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,008 Whoa. 3 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,545 Well, it's all about negotiation. 4 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,047 It's a give and take. 5 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:15,883 It's two halves that-- 6 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:17,118 - --make a whole. - Yeah. 7 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,053 It's a lot like a-- it's a partnership-- a lot 8 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:22,223 like my old law firm, Kramer and Spence. 9 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,893 Benny, don't make legal analogies. 10 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:26,794 No no no no. 11 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:27,695 Hear me out. 12 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,063 Hear me out. 13 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,732 Kramer used to specialize in all the intellectual property 14 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:32,933 cases. 15 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,937 And Spence used to do all the labor and tax law. 16 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:42,543 But Spence used to have a stuffed owl in his office. 17 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:46,214 He used to call it Night Ranger. 18 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,048 It's true. 19 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,183 Do we have to keep talking? 20 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,589 This is never going to work. 21 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,924 Oh, nonsense, champ. 22 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:58,592 It's going to be great. 23 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:01,495 Just don't give too much airtime to Tara and Phil. 24 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:02,630 My parents are in this too? 25 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,864 What's this for? 26 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,200 Wendy's doing a video essay on why some marriages 27 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,535 last and others are doomed. 28 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,502 Oh. 29 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:09,837 Speaking of which, I was hoping you 30 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,139 and Jessie would be in it too. 31 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:12,039 Us? 32 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,307 Oh, I don't know. 33 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,643 I need both sides. 34 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:16,877 Are you saying we're doomed? 35 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,913 Statistically speaking, half of all marriages fail. 36 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:20,814 I'm just saying. 37 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,316 Is this what you think too? 38 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,852 I'd go with ill-fated. 39 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,388 Hey, who wants the last pepperoni? 40 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:30,491 Going once, going twice. 41 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:34,462 [THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"] 42 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:39,400 THEME SONG: Can't we find a way that we could be together? 43 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:43,871 Is there any way that we could be together? 44 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:48,342 And, oh, by the way, baby, do you love me? 45 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,843 Yes, I do. 46 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:50,811 Yes, I do. 47 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,314 Yes, I do. 48 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:54,282 Yes, I do. 49 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,693 Who do I have to boink to get some service around here? 50 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:06,594 Who's left? 51 00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:07,628 Le zing. 52 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,862 You're such a child. 53 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,565 Speaking of children, Wendy's doing a documentary. 54 00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:15,102 And she wants to use us as an example of a doomed marriage. 55 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,437 Crazy, right? 56 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,409 OK, way too long a pause on that one. 57 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:22,710 We've been over this, Jess. 58 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,879 Teen marriages usually last as long as Carter in bed. 59 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,548 That's what she said. 60 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,449 Wait now. 61 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,750 So that's what you think? 62 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:30,651 We're not going to last? 63 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,290 Who does Ava have to boink to get a waiter around here? 64 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,129 Our relationship isn't about a piece of paper. 65 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,232 It's about the melding of two souls. 66 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,133 - Like jazz. - Exactly. 67 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,536 It's about being fluid. 68 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:49,837 Flexible. 69 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,240 Being tuned in to your partner's artistry. 70 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,675 Reading each other's moods so you can alter the melody. 71 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,512 Mm, and make beautiful music together. 72 00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,880 WENDY: I don't get it. 73 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,483 It's like Miles Davis said, "I'll play it first 74 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,717 and tell you what it is later." 75 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:04,618 Yeah. 76 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,788 [imitating jazz cymbal] 77 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,724 That was tight. 78 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:11,992 Yeah. 79 00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,628 BEN: Those fly-by-night hobos are making us look bad. 80 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:15,996 You're overreacting. 81 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,197 No no no no no no. 82 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,267 I'm merely protecting Wendy's straight-A streak, 83 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,768 as any good father would. 84 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,803 We cannot let the Hills ruin this video, honey. 85 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,572 We have to show them what it's like to be 86 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,139 a real married couple. 87 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,008 OK? 88 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:32,246 Phil's not the only one that can quote Miles Davis. 89 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,146 OK, I'll give him that one. 90 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,952 JESSIE: Half of all marriages fail. 91 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,254 Doesn't that kind of freak you out? 92 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,155 It's a flawed stat, Jess. 93 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,991 Now you factor in Larry King, and we're clear. 94 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,326 But we just started. 95 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,460 We have years ahead of us. 96 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,961 The odds aren't exactly in our favor. 97 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,764 That's what they said about a certain 300 Spartan warriors. 98 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,199 I thought they all died. 99 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,234 Oh, right. 100 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,469 Look, we got more fight in us. 101 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,037 That's the point. 102 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:57,938 Ha. 103 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,207 Oh. 104 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:01,542 I think we should do the video. 105 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:02,843 Ooh, I'll get the loin cloth. 106 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,878 JESSIE: Wendy's video. 107 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:05,779 What harm can it do? 108 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,448 It might even be fun. 109 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,451 Not shopping fun or pull-Carter's-finger fun, 110 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,986 but somewhere in between. 111 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,989 Jess, we're not going to become a statistic. 112 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,191 But avoiding a chance to prove we've got what it takes 113 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,560 seems like a bad omen. 114 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,828 You know? 115 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:25,065 If Wendy thinks we're doomed, let's prove her wrong. 116 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,434 You really want to do the video? 117 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,201 Embarrassingly, yes. 118 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:30,571 OK, stats be damned. 119 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:34,107 Of course, if the stats are right, one of our marriages 120 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,175 will end. 121 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,444 My parents are pretty solid. 122 00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:39,112 Mine too. 123 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,048 Doesn't The Refugee have, like, five wives? 124 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:41,949 There it is. 125 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,987 What does it mean to be married? 126 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,923 Well, that's easy. 127 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:53,394 A good marriage is a lot like adult contemporary music. 128 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:57,965 JUDITH: You're gonna use that clip? 129 00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,700 Don't hover while I'm editing. 130 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,268 Sorry, sweet pea, but you didn't 131 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:02,770 give us enough prep time there. 132 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,872 It's supposed to be spontaneous. 133 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,508 What have I told you about spontaneity? 134 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:08,909 It's for sluts. 135 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:12,079 See, we just wanted to craft some more insightful remarks. 136 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,615 You do realize, the only people who'll see this 137 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,149 are a bunch of sixth graders. 138 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,719 And their delicious sixth-grade teacher. 139 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,392 Dedicated, I meant dedicated. 140 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:25,593 We don't want to interfere, honey. 141 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:26,627 It's good. 142 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,095 I mean, what you've got is a solid B, 143 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:30,030 B-plus, maybe even an A-minus. 144 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,264 But with our help, you could probably 145 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,634 turn it into an A-plus. 146 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:34,835 I'm just saying. 147 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,437 A-plus or death. 148 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,872 That's my girl. 149 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:42,643 Being married means getting to be your true self at all times. 150 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:43,977 Because, no matter what, the other 151 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,079 person is going accept every part of you-- 152 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,347 the good, the bad-- 153 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:50,584 --and the awesome, at least in my case. 154 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,519 You hear that? 155 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,720 No. 156 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:53,821 Exactly. 157 00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:54,988 No more drip, check it out. 158 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,627 Eat it, Mike Holmes. 159 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,396 WENDY: When Tom proposed, why did you say yes? 160 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,597 Because I love him. 161 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,933 WENDY: But you can love him without being married. 162 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,468 So why? 163 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,970 Because he asked me. 164 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,639 Isn't that how it works? 165 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,807 I mean, who says no to a marriage proposal? 166 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,909 It's not like people get proposed to everyday. 167 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,378 When it happens, you kind of have to say yes. 168 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,948 WENDY: Tom, would you agree with that? 169 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:21,915 Absolutely. 170 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:25,719 I'm on it. 171 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,358 So that's why you said yes? 172 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,160 Because you had to? - No. 173 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,528 I got flustered because of the camera. 174 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,229 I said yes because I love you. 175 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:39,166 Marriage is not supposed to be some Pavlovian response. 176 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,634 You're supposed to just know. 177 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,002 I did know. 178 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,605 I was talking about proposals in general, not us, per se. 179 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,207 You ever see a girl say no on the Jumbotron. 180 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,511 There's a couple of things I need to show you on YouTube. 181 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,613 Please, not your hand. 182 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,452 Once, you wanted this hand-- 183 00:06:58,552 --> 00:06:59,853 in marriage. Get it? 184 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,088 Yeah, got it. 185 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:05,058 You know what? 186 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:07,060 I think I know how I can make you feel all better. 187 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,866 Are you good? 188 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,668 Uh-huh. 189 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,369 That's what I thought. 190 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,571 [mumbling] 191 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,876 Let's just say I felt inspired by the man that I love. 192 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:27,481 The man I'll stay married to, stats be damned. 193 00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,850 A successful relationship is all about compromise. 194 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,920 - Mm-hmm. - And I do all of it. 195 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,254 Although, there are perks. 196 00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:38,158 My lady love makes the world's greatest Kamut pancakes. 197 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,427 And gives the world's best back rubs. 198 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:43,130 Although, my old squeeze, Simone, 199 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,232 she has you beat on that count. 200 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,000 But you are top two-- 201 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:47,901 top three. 202 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,543 What just happened? 203 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,777 WENDY: Want to see the instant reply? 204 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,016 Tara? 205 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,417 Crash and burn. 206 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,486 Judith, this is our chance to surge ahead. 207 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,655 And I've got a great idea. 208 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,322 We have to show our origin story. 209 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,558 You're not super heroes. 210 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:13,160 Honey, we are marital superheroes. 211 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,696 And our powers are commitment and stability. 212 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,364 Shouldn't Wendy have some input? 213 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:18,566 Of course. 214 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,968 Honey, at the end of the day, this is Wendy's baby. 215 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,871 Really. 216 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,038 BEN: And we're rolling. 217 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:29,142 OK, Thomas, why did you propose to Jessie? 218 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,278 - Because I love her. - That's trite. 219 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,179 What else? 220 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,246 Where's Wendy? 221 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,648 We'll loop her voice in later. 222 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:35,549 Come on. 223 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:36,884 Is this is new camera? 224 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,619 Wendy's doing some B-roll with the old camera. 225 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,920 Come on, focus in here, Tom. 226 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,723 Why did you marry Jessie? 227 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,958 I-- look at her. 228 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,228 And, no, she's not just a catch. 229 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,563 She's the catch. 230 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:50,964 Yeah, but you could have just shacked up 231 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,132 like those heathens next door. 232 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,667 Why did you-- why did you want to get married? 233 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:56,737 Yeah, well, you know, I need to mark my territory-- 234 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,739 show those other guys how I feel. 235 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:02,342 Now, this girl belongs to me. 236 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,277 Right? 237 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,779 That's why you asked me to marry you? 238 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,014 To mark your territory? 239 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:07,915 Not exactly. 240 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,316 Well, then why, exactly? 241 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:12,252 Because right now, I feel like a fire hydrant in a dog park. 242 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:13,587 You-- you were right about the camera. 243 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:14,955 It makes things come out wrong. 244 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,624 Come on, the same thing happened to you. 245 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,326 The little red light comes on, and you get all hypnotized. 246 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:23,430 And then, suddenly, you're really thinking about things. 247 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,232 I mean, you're thinking differently. 248 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,566 I wasn't thinking at all. 249 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,068 Well, that's it, isn't it? 250 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,939 Neither of us was thinking that day-- that stupid dare. 251 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:33,607 So do you want to take it back? 252 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,507 Do you? 253 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:42,783 So-- now is this how it starts? 254 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,218 The 50% who fail? 255 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,621 WENDY: Yes. 256 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:48,622 What did I tell you? 257 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:49,522 Doomed. 258 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,330 I guess some girls know when a proposal is in the air. 259 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,432 And some guys actually plan it. 260 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:02,369 But it was just an ordinary day of hanging out for us. 261 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,938 BOTH: Except-- 262 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:08,341 Something, you know, about the sky that day. 263 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:12,279 You know, it was a day full of, uh, of possib-- 264 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,280 possibility. 265 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,547 WENDY: Is that a cheat sheet? 266 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,984 BEN: Whoa, cut cut cut cut. 267 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,618 Really, Tom, cue cards? 268 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,153 Well, last time he got flustered. 269 00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:21,655 Brando used cue cards. 270 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:22,856 THE REFUGEE: Bad example. 271 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,391 He was divorced three times-- 272 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,292 "True E! 273 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,193 Hollywood Story." 274 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,533 Call me old-- 275 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,668 fashioned. 276 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,370 But if God didn't want imposed free markets, 277 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,173 he wouldn't have invented nuclear weapons? 278 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,208 What? 279 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,743 This is not how it happened. 280 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:43,911 Of course it is. 281 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,312 Wendy, are you getting the look in my eye? 282 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,347 How entranced I am? - Speed it up. 283 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:49,282 I need more time with a doomed couple. 284 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,250 OK, keep going. 285 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,588 Um, what are you doing? 286 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:59,026 I remember watching the pulse of a delicate vein 287 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,360 on your wrist-- 288 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,864 life blood of the woman that I was falling in love with. 289 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:07,134 And then the golden light around your hair, and-- 290 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,301 OK, you know what? 291 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,103 You're just-- you're making a mockery. 292 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,172 Judith. 293 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:13,140 I'm done. 294 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,575 Wh-- what about Wendy's assignment? 295 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,710 Wendy, where are you going? 296 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:17,845 Is that a wrap? 297 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,048 It's not even a burrito, my friend. 298 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,184 For Wendy's next interview, we present a united front. 299 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,186 We hold hands, check in with each other frequently, 300 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,055 small gestures-- like that thing you do with your finger 301 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:28,989 along my wrist. 302 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,124 This leak is driving me mental. 303 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,526 Oh, and let's make sure we finish each other sentences. 304 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:34,795 That's always so cute. 305 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:38,131 OK, so, for Tom and Jessie, the perfect evening is-- 306 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,067 I'm heading to the hardware store. 307 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,069 Babe, that doesn't connect. 308 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:44,371 I don't care about Wendy's video. 309 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,274 If I don't fix this leak, then we have a real problem. 310 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,542 People think we're doomed to fail. 311 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,112 They're actually using those words-- 312 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,981 except for your mother, who keeps saying "ill-fated." 313 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:57,217 Listen, the only thing doomed to fail in this room 314 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,718 is that leak-- 315 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:01,354 and, also, your bonsai tree. 316 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,958 Sorry, somebody had to say it. 317 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,059 It's simple. 318 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,961 I walked out of the interview because Phil 319 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,898 talked about the one thing we talked 320 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:14,701 about never talking about. 321 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,137 Top three, my ass. 322 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,405 TOM: Honey, I'm home. 323 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,707 And this leak is going down. 324 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:24,444 Well, not down, it's going to get stuffed. 325 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,478 Oh, Tom, that's sweet. 326 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,713 But Dad's on it. 327 00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,381 It's getting there. 328 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,885 Jessie, I said I was taking care of it. 329 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,253 I know, but I had a thought. 330 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,388 If Dad could help us out, we could go straight to the video. 331 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:38,525 I'm sorry I wanted people to know you were mine. 332 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,961 But at this point, I would be happy to put 333 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,296 you on the street with a For Rent sign around your neck. 334 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,364 Hey. 335 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,933 Not in the pimp way. 336 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:46,967 I can do my own "hey." 337 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,435 Sorry, honey. 338 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,369 Hey! 339 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,004 I said not in the pimp way. 340 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,372 What's your problem? 341 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,374 I'm trying to show the world how great of a husband you are. 342 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,544 Whereas I'm actually trying to be a great husband. 343 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:58,879 Do you see the irony here? 344 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,013 I was just trying to help you. 345 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,815 I'm pretty sure that's what married people do. 346 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,450 I'm not sure either one of us has 347 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,452 a clue what married people do. 348 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,054 Me neither. 349 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:07,955 Should I go now? 350 00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,026 Turn that thing off. 351 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:13,927 I told you. 352 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,262 I'm not doing this anymore. 353 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,697 WENDY: No, you told Dad you weren't doing this anymore. 354 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,000 I don't want to be in front of the camera right now, Wendy. 355 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:20,901 OK? 356 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,369 WENDY: Why not? 357 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:27,274 Because not everything in life must be made public. 358 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,843 And sometimes, you know, you make choices-- 359 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,244 things that you're not always proud of. 360 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,545 WENDY: Huh? 361 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,414 But if you cloak them in a lie, then the lie festers. 362 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,516 And then other people build entire fantasies on the lie. 363 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:40,787 And it gets worse and worse until you just want to-- 364 00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,089 Do you need a snack? 365 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,590 WENDY: Until you want to what, Mom? 366 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,993 How about some carrots and hummus, huh? 367 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,327 And you cannot use this. 368 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,065 TOM: Lay it on me. 369 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,133 Are you sitting down? 370 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,534 I am right across from you. 371 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,036 OK, get this. 372 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,907 You did nothing wrong. - Pardon me? 373 00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,642 You are 100% blameless. 374 00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:03,543 Are you sure? 375 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,113 Yeah, this one's all on her. 376 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,214 Whoa. 377 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,249 I always knew this day would come, 378 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:12,385 but I find myself strangely unprepared. 379 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:16,623 Hey, guys. 380 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:17,824 Hey, Jess. 381 00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,626 Feel like canning some fiddleheads with us? 382 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:20,894 Dad, I hate to break it to you, 383 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,763 but the answer to that question will never be yes. 384 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,432 You and Tom still fighting? 385 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,499 Yeah. 386 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,001 But I've given it some careful thought, 387 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,104 and I realized he overreacted. 388 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,005 Nope. 389 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,640 You emasculated him. 390 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,608 Oh, come on, is that what Dad told you? 391 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,177 Don't be ridiculous, Jess. 392 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,246 Your father and I aren't even speaking. 393 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,613 You guys are still fighting? 394 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,015 Then how are you working together? 395 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,650 Stuff still has to get done. 396 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,352 We're always going to have arguments. 397 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,120 But you can't let your whole lives 398 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,721 come to a halt because of them. 399 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,991 PHIL: You don't talk commitment-- you live it. 400 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,961 Jess, can you tell your father that he's an excellent canner? 401 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,029 But, please, say it in a grudging tone. 402 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:00,968 You were right. 403 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:01,868 Yes, I was. 404 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,070 And I was wrong. 405 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,037 Yes, you were. 406 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,138 And I'm sorry. 407 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,139 For what part? 408 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,775 For emasculating you. 409 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,477 Oh, no, that was awesome. 410 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,713 I couldn't speak. 411 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,248 Oh, your dad. 412 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,085 Yeah, well I'll add that to the list. 413 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,087 Well, it's not like you're entirely blameless. 414 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,688 You owe me an apology too. 415 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,655 Really? 416 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:23,556 For what, exactly? 417 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:27,794 Grr. 418 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,434 Sue me if you dare, Judith. 419 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,837 But I would habeas your corpus all night long if I could. 420 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,307 Permission to treat the witness as hostile? 421 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,708 Permission granted. 422 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,443 And cut. 423 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,478 Nicely done. 424 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,980 - You're still at it? - Yeah. 425 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:47,880 Come on, honey. 426 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,549 Rome wasn't built in a day. 427 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,818 I refer, of course, to the acclaimed HBO miniseries. 428 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:52,719 Hmm. 429 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,754 What scene is this? 430 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:55,822 Well, come on. 431 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,391 I'm clearly re-enacting our seventh date. 432 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,260 I hired a model to play me. Isn't he a dead ringer? 433 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,161 Look at him. 434 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,529 And I'm playing you, Mom. 435 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,831 So, Monica knows. 436 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:05,732 What? 437 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,067 Knows what? 438 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,702 That this is the moment that I told you I was pregnant. 439 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:10,603 WENDY: Hold on. 440 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,504 What? 441 00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:12,772 Mom was spontaneous? 442 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,741 Hey, don't talk about your mother like that. 443 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:15,842 What are you talking about? 444 00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,244 It was our seventh date where you 445 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:20,213 told me that cutting taxes is the same as increasing revenue. 446 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,182 No wonder I fell in love with you. 447 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:23,083 Rarr. 448 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,252 You did a lot more than that. 449 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,786 What? 450 00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:29,056 Think-- hard. 451 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,023 What are you doing? 452 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,595 So this is how you want to play it? 453 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,964 OK. 454 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:45,038 Monica, Wendy, male model, I know that we fudged some 455 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,039 of our timing over the years. 456 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,808 But all this is, just, it's too much. 457 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:54,247 The truth is that we got married because we had to. 458 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,616 I'm so sorry you had to find out this way, honey. 459 00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:57,517 I do have a calendar. 460 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:01,688 I don't know why you had to make 461 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:02,722 such a farce out of all this. 462 00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:03,623 Uh-- 463 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,366 You want to hang out? 464 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,103 Uh, I got church tomorrow. 465 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,003 Me or Jesus? 466 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,438 You have five seconds. 467 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,906 [upbeat music playing] 468 00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,890 Ah, that feels good-- 469 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:41,694 almost as good as this guy Lars I dated in college. 470 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,963 You just couldn't let it go, could you? 471 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,440 Look, I honestly, honestly don't 472 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,041 remember it happening that way. 473 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:57,009 You don't remember that we slept together 474 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,812 on our third date, I told you I was pregnant on our seventh, 475 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,614 and for our eighth date we got married? 476 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,416 Excuse me if I don't believe it. 477 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,989 Look, what I remember quite clearly 478 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:14,761 was that I knew I wanted to marry you after our first date. 479 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,330 It's true. 480 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,699 I remember that I had a spot on my coffee spoon. 481 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,067 And you picked it up, and cleaned it off, 482 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:24,036 and put it back beside my cup without saying a word. 483 00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:24,937 I did? 484 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:29,676 Or maybe it was my dessert fork 485 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,511 But the point was, I didn't want to marry 486 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,413 you because you were pregnant. 487 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,648 I wanted to marry because I knew I couldn't live without you. 488 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:49,162 So you were knocked up, and I proposed right away, huh? 489 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,797 More or less. 490 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:51,698 Damn. 491 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,065 That was noble of me. 492 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,335 [MUSIC - REID JAMIESON, "MY GREEN THUMB"] 493 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:59,772 REID JAMIESON (SINGING): My green thumb, I hate to think 494 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:05,212 of what I would become without your hands to guide 495 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:09,015 me through the mud and rain. 496 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:14,421 It's a sorry, sorry sight. 497 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:19,392 I'll plant a kiss upon the forehead 498 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:24,897 of the girl whose mysteries unfold like blossoms 499 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:28,335 on a day in spring. 500 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,869 It's a beauty-- 501 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,904 We didn't even have to say anything. 502 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:32,839 We both just knew. 503 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,073 It had to get done. 504 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,675 Turns out my father was right. 505 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,076 You don't talk commitment. 506 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,778 You live it. 507 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:41,448 JUDITH: Some might call it early-onset dementia. 508 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:48,020 I prefer to think of it as selective memory. 509 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,056 I guess, in the end, it's not why 510 00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:51,991 you get hitched that matters. 511 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,493 TOM: It's how you stay hitched. 512 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,528 Because it's not how you appear to other people 513 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,763 that's the key to a good marriage. 514 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,031 It's how you appear to each other. 515 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,099 Did we just-- 516 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,569 --finish each other's sentences for real? 517 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:03,470 And cut. 518 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,572 That's a wrap, people. 519 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,775 Should this have been plugged in? 520 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,511 So, um, I'm still going to get a credit on this, eh, champ? 521 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,879 Yes, Dad. 522 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,014 I'll take executive producer, I guess. 523 00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:16,082 You'll get associate producer. 524 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,417 That's my girl. 525 00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,886 OK, Bruckheimer, the dishes await. 526 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,354 Yeah. 527 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,255 Buh-bye. 528 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,656 Well done. 529 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:24,857 Hey. 530 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:25,758 [sigh] 531 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,026 Crazy week, huh? 532 00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:32,899 One of the many, I hope. 533 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,901 And I guess we don't need these anymore. 534 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:39,205 REID JAMIESON (SINGING): I'll clean our home, do anything 535 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:40,507 [water dripping] 536 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:48,180 to keep you turning, tilling soil till we turn to dust. 537 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:55,087 BEN: Well, don't keep us in suspense. 538 00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:56,255 C-minus? 539 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,991 My first grade ever without an A in the front. 540 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,993 Thanks guys. 541 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,529 This is a travesty. 542 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,564 Did Mr. Pecks make any comments? 543 00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:05,798 It's Mr. Peck. 544 00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:07,233 There's no S. 545 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,535 Whatever. 546 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,337 Did he say anything about me? 547 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,439 And the rest of the project, as a whole? 548 00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:16,142 BEN: "Overall, this doc suffers from lack of a consistent tone, 549 00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,378 suggesting tyro helmer Bellow allowed 550 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,413 too much parental meddling. 551 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:23,550 No boffo grade for this dud, and ancillary prospects are iffy." 552 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:25,117 I don't understand any of this. 553 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:28,455 Mr. Peck has a subscription to "Variety." 554 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:29,556 Oh. 555 00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,257 [MUSIC - ELLIOTT BROOD, "THE VALLEY TOWN"] 556 00:21:31,358 --> 00:21:33,660 TOM: And action. 557 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:34,894 Uh, that's that. 558 00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,763 Leak solved, relationship fixed. 559 00:21:36,863 --> 00:21:38,264 Life goes on. 560 00:21:38,365 --> 00:21:41,167 So then why are we still talking to the camera? 561 00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:42,469 Good question. 562 00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:44,571 Documentary's over. 563 00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:46,373 Of course, there are other things 564 00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:48,140 we could do with this thing. 565 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,609 I'll get the loin cloth. 566 00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:54,113 ELLIOTT BROOD (SINGING): When the wind bares the trees 567 00:21:54,213 --> 00:22:00,953 and them clouds are pushing east, come on inside. 568 00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:03,356 Dry your clothes. 569 00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:05,425 Warm your bones. 570 00:22:05,525 --> 00:22:09,429 Get a glass and sit yourself at ease. 571 00:22:09,479 --> 00:22:14,029 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0